I’m in a total writer’s funk. Everything I write is crap. Everything I’ve already written is crap. Everything I edit is crap. Everything I have ever written in my whole entire life – crap. It’s not even writer’s block. Writer’s block is like you have nothing, writer’s funk is like you have SO MUCH but it’s all trash. I could sit here and type for days but nothing good is going to come out.
So I’ve written this whole YA novel, like a second draft. It’s totally rough as guts and most of it doesn’t make sense (time travel is HARD!). I got to the point where I couldn’t do it on my own any more, and because I’m not super rich or anything I recruited a couple of friends to help out, you know, just reading what I have and giving me some first impressions, what works for them, what doesn’t, you know the deal.
You might think that my funk is due to the feedback I’ve gotten and I’m all sad and crying because everyone thinks my novel is crap. But actually, the feedback has been really positive and helpful and I probably don’t deserve any of the nice things they have said because it’s SO BAD.
Every time I open a chapter to send it to someone as an email I’m re-reading it because it’s been a while since I looked at the first few chapters and everything I read is TERRIBLE!
I was reading a chapter this morning, the bit where my protagonist goes back in time, I mean that’s meant to be a big part of the story right? And as I read it I was like – OMG this is so boring. Nothing is interesting, my character sucks, my setting sucks and my story sucks.
MY WHOLE BOOK SUCKS!
But does it really suck? Or do I just think it sucks? Am I just having a bad day? Because sometimes I re-read chapters and I giggle to myself and I think – tee hee, that’s really good!
But not today.
Am I just in a funk or should I give up all my dreams of ever being a published YA author?
Of course I know I won’t give my dreams away. I know I’m just having a bad day but I also know I need to put in a hell of a lot more work. But is all this hard work worth it?!
I guess this is when you start asking yourself – why am I doing this?! Why do I put myself through weekends and evenings and sunny Fridays off work to sit at a laptop and want to throw it out the window because I can’t even make time travel exciting.
So why am I doing this? I could be spending my free time doing something else, like reading Insurgent, continuing my Tru Calling marathon from yesterday (OMG have you seen that show? I LOVE IT!), going outside, I mean the sun is out for the first time since October, or I could sleep, or clean, or I could do some knitting.
So why do I do it? Why do I have these super shitty days where I think I’m the worst writer on the face of the planet and it’s all for nothing and KEEP DOING IT?
Because I love it. Even when I hate it. I don’t really hate it. I hate that I don’t think I’m good enough, but I’ll just have to get good enough.